Waiting.

So, uh… hey. It’s been a while.

Since I posted last, I finished up my internship in Colorado and started my senior year of college. I’m an RA on the same floor I was on last year and am our Student Government President.

Which… sounds a lot cooler than it really is. But really, I’m enjoying both of my jobs. SGA is actually going well so far and I have a great group of guys on my floor. Luckily, classes this semester are pretty simple. My toughest class would probably be the one where I just had to make a two minute TV infomercial for a spoof compilation CD.

Either that or piano lessons.

On paper, my life looks pretty good. I’m getting good grades, had a great summer (trip to Egypt and internship at a major media company in Colorado), SGA President, yadda yadda. But honestly, the past few months have been some of the most difficult of my life.

It’s only September and people are already starting to ask me what my plans are for the next few years. A few of my friends seem to have their lives all planned out. Some have a specific school or job they’re looking at and almost all of them are getting married.

I don’t, and I’m not.

For the first time in my life, I really have no idea where I’ll be a few months from now. I don’t know what state I’ll be living in. Or what field I will be working in. Or if I can even find a job. If I’ll still be single or my ex-girlfriend will come back to me.

I could be anywhere, with anyone.

I have a very detailed Franklin Covey planner. I just got a Blackberry. I like to plan.

So this is bothering me.

Honestly, I never thought I would be in this situation. I feel like I’m the one who is supposed to be responsible and successful. I’m not supposed to be that 20-something who has no idea what’s going on in life. I feel like I’m supposed to have a plan.

Most of my life, I’ve gotten most of what I wanted (except that PS2 in seventh grade). I realize that. I’m very blessed and haven’t had to suffer through very much.

Right now, there’s so much that I want. And they’re good things. I want to have a job where I can work hard and provide for myself. I want to know where I’m going to be living in a few months. I want so badly to be back with Hannah. I feel like I treated her so well, and so many guys I see in relationships are total jerks. I miss our time together so much.

I’m realizing more and more that what I want is completely irrelevant. I’m used to getting what I want, so this is almost a new discovery. Even if the things that I want are good things, that doesn’t guarantee that I will get them. Even if I work my butt off and have good intentions, that doesn’t necessarily help my chances.

For the next few months, I just have to wait through the crappy situations I’m in now. And that is very difficult to do.

In my RA group, we’re reading through the gospels together. The other day I read Matthew 4. Right after getting baptised (a good thing), Jesus is led to the desert. He went 40 days without food, then was tempted by the devil (not a good thing). He’s mostly tempted by power and authority, but he passes the test.

After 40 days of crap, Matthew says, “Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”

A lot of good things happened to me a few months ago. Since then, I think I’ve been wandering around the desert, mostly tempted by authority and power. I’ve had food, but it’s been longer than 40 days.

I know I need to just keep going. I can’t even tell you how many people have quoted Jeremiah 29:11 to me. I know it will be ok and that I will come out of this stronger than before.

I’m just excited for those angels to come soon.

Internship, Part I

I have three days of my new internship under my belt (what does that phrase even mean?), and so far I think it’ll be ok. Because of an awkward situation last summer, I decided not to say the company by name online anymore, but it’s a large ministry in Colorado where I’m getting to do a lot of media work.

My boss is really cool and it sounds like I’ll be able to help with some good projects eventually. There are a few things I’m still unsure about, but I’m overall excited about the opportunity.

This is my second internship at a fairly major media entity, and both times I’ve met some awesome college students also interning from around the country. My family I’m staying with is great, but it is also very nice to have kids my age around with similar interests. Last summer the other interns were from Duke, Columbia, Boston University and a few other major schools… and I was from Sterling. This year, the other students are from New York, Florida, Colorado and Chicago… and I’m from Kansas. I have to say; it feels kinda good to feel like I’m “running with the big dogs.”

I’m pretty excited about the opportunity to attend New Life Church and the Mill while I’m here as well (and possibly even go to the Desperation conference). The music is incredible and I enjoy the teaching. I have to say though, I had a hard time worshiping last week. Maybe it was just the atmosphere, but it seemed like every lyric hit me where I’m hurting right now. I’d be the first to admit that my life has been fairly easy up to this point, so now that I feel like the next few years are totally an unknown right now, it was difficult to sing, “I believe You’re my portion,” and “I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring… I am counting on God” now that I’m actually having to believe those things. As awesome as the morning was, it was difficult to swallow.

After months of being on the fence, I decided to give in and try Twitter for a while. If you “tweet” (that still sounds so ridiculous), look me up. I’m still not sure if I’ll stick with it, but decided this would be a good time to give it a try. However, it’s not very much fun to do it when you don’t have a Blackberry or iPhone. I’m definitely not getting the full experience when I’m having to text in my updates and check my “followers” pretty much once a day (I can’t check at work and the family I’m staying with doesn’t have Wifi…). My birthday is coming up, so if you just, you know… have an iPhone you want to get rid of, we may be able to strike up some kind of deal…

Give and take away.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I will probably remember my life about a month ago as one of the highest points of my life.

I just finished my junior year of college still maintaining all A’s. I received positive feedback after a year of hard work as our college newspaper’s Editor-in-Chief. I had a great first year as an RA in our school’s nicest dorm. I had just been elected to serve as Student Government President for next year. After interning with a major movie company in Boston last summer, I was accepted to work with Focus on the Family in Colorado this summer. After loving my trip to Kenya a few years ago, I was packing up to return to Africa for a two-week trip to Egpyt. I was in love and recently celebrated three-and-a-half years with my girlfriend.

There were difficulties, but life was good.

Almost a month later, I feel like my life has totally changed, even though only one thing has really changed. My girlfriend since high school decided she needed a break, and I honestly can’t blame her. She was very young when we started dating, and it’s fine for her to have some time to re-evaluate what she wants for her future.

I hate those stupid young couples who go on and on about how they are going to get married, because they never do. I tried really hard not to be one of those people. Young people in love do and say stupid things. But after three-and-a-half years of working through several very difficult situations, I thought things were going great and that I’d spend my life with this girl.

We may get back together, I just don’t know when. It could be tomorrow, or we could be done forever.

After being in such a good place a few weeks ago, I have no idea where my life is headed. Sure, my jobs and school will be the “same,” but I’m an emotional guy craving human connection. I had a plan for my life and I was pleased with where I was headed. Funny how fast life can change.

I’d appreciate your prayers for Hannah and me. I know it seems insignificant and everyone goes through break-ups, but I truly feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I still have high hopes for a great summer, but it’s nearly impossible to keep my mind from wandering right now.

On a lighter note, Star Trek may be my new favorite movie.

Life.

I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise you.

Oh, no, you never let go.

Things that make me go “woah…”

Prepare for very random things.

The Newsboys.
In grade/middle school, I pretty much had three bands that I adored: Jars of Clay, the Newsboys and DC Talk. I’m pleased with how Jars of Clay has progressed, but I was literally heart-broken when DC Talk split up in 2000. The Newsboys have had their ups and downs in my opinion, but I was just taken aback when I heard the recent news that their frontman (Peter Furler) decided to step down. I suppose being a Christian rock star who shaves his head and wears eye-liner can really get to a guy after 20 years. But then, I heard that he was being “replaced” with DC Talk vocalist Michael Tait. I watched a few videos of him singing with the rest of the ‘boys tonight, and it’s just weird. I don’t think I like it.

My blog.
WordPress has this nice feature that shows you how often your site is visited, which posts are most popular and what search engine terms are drawing in readers. Miraculously, my blog actually gets a decent amount of hits. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with my life. Instead, my post titled “That’s sooooo 2000s.” is wildly popular because I posted a picture of Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon 5). Apparently the blogosphere cares nothing about me, but is very fond of “faux hawks” and the “tuxedo vest over t-shirt look.” And now since I re-typed those words, my traffic is probably going crazy.

My new job.
Beginning April 1, I will become the new Student Government Association President of Sterling College. To be honest, I’m very excited, yet very scared. Every year I seem to heap more and more responsibilities on myself. I’m excited, but I’m also starting to wonder what I’ve done. I’m already giving speeches and planning meetings and I haven’t even started yet.

My trip.
May 3, I will be leaving Wichita for about two weeks to experience life in Cairo, Egypt. My funds are finally raised and my ticket is purchased. The more I learn about the trip, the more I am looking forward to it. And… is it ridiculously sad that I’m looking forward to a 20+ hour plane ride so I can relax and do some reading?

My new phone?
I am a cheapskate. I’m very blessed to have parents who are still willing to help me tremendously when it comes to finances (since all of my jobs thus far have paid me… basically nothing). I love technology, and it hurts my inner-being that I still don’t have an iPhone. Unfortunately that marvelous day is still years away, and I still can’t afford a SmartPhone plan. Yet, I think I finally found a way to beat the system and get what I want without having to pay $30 more a month. Hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll have a sweet new toy. Hooray!

It’s Spring Break.
Woah!!

Portfolio/March Madness

A lot has happened since my last post, giving the term “March Madness” a whole new meaning to me. Since my school’s schedule is so messed up this year, I’m just now on Spring Break and I only have three weeks of classes after that and I’ll be done in mid-April. Having 18 credit hours of 300-level classes, managing our school newspaper and being a RA has taken lot out of me recently.

I’ve been working on my plans for the summer lately too (in all of my spare time). It’s going to be hard to beat the experience I had last summer in Boston, but I’ve applied to a few places that I’m pretty excited about. I’ll keep you posted.

For these internships, most of them require some sort of “online portfolio” of my work, which (to be honest) I did not have until about a week ago. I had to kind of frantically put one together, but here’s what I came up with:

http://mattsdesignportfolio.wordpress.com.

It’s not much, but it gives an idea of the kind of projects I’ve been working on. I’d love to hear your feedback, especially if you have ideas for improvement.

I don’t think I’ve ever longed for a day off school as much as I have recently. I can’t even remember the last time I didn’t have to set an alarm. I’m pretty excited.

And, my NCAA bracket is turning out rather nicely so far. Not bad considering the only NCAA games I’ve watched this year were when KU was on.

As crazy as life is, I feel like I’m learning a lot. And that’s a good thing.

Leadership, Part 1

My parents have always told me that most of the important things that you learn in school have nothing to do with reading, writing or arithmetic, but has everything to do instead with learning how to live and work with other people.

This year, probably more than ever before, I’ve kind of been forced to learn a lot about leadership. Apart from all the clubs and activities I am in, I’m also taking a course devoted to “Leadership and Administration” and am attending a leadership seminar our school offers every week.

Lately, I have learned the importance of positive affirmation.

I’m the Editor of our school’s newspaper, and I get crap flung at me all the time. I realize this is just the “nature of the beast” in the journalism world, but with just about every issue I put out, people seem to search every word of our paper to find something wrong. This most recent issue was no exception, so I get to have a meeting this week with my adviser, the academic dean and the athletic director about an editorial I didn’t even write (it was written by a sophomore student who isn’t even studying mass media).

Usually, I enjoy working for a newspaper. With the exception of my freshman year, I’ve had an editor position of some kind for past seven years. But to be totally honest, I am driven by compliments and positive feedback.

You don’t get much of that in journalism. But you get plenty of the opposite.

Because of all this, I’ve been trying to go out of my way to compliment and encourage people. I am not very good at confronting people about their weaknesses, and that is definitely my weakness as a leader. However, I’m not sure it’s possible to be too positive towards those who look to you to lead. I never get praise from my superiors, and it doesn’t make me want to work harder for them.

You know what really sucks about learning lessons?

It’s never enjoyable.

But I’m learning.

Despite the people who seem to be out to get me.

On a more positive note, I dare you to listen to this song without dancing in some capactity, whether you’re Mennonite or not. I’m convinced this is the best album ever.

Devotions.

I’ll be honest. I struggle with daily devotions in the Word. I do it almost every day, but it’s that sense of duty that forces me. I’m usually groggy and thinking about all the events of the day and typically just do it as part of my morning routine.

Today, we don’t have classes, so when I finally woke up I was actually concious when I forced myself to crack open my devotion book where I read Psalms 62.

Pretty much my entire time at Sterling, there has been one student who has just been out to get me. I got a job he wanted my sophomore year and I think he holds that against me. We have totally different personalities but have been forced to spend an enormous amount of time together. Actually, I lived with him in a hotel room in Boston for two months.

I try very hard to respect every person I come into contact with. He makes this very difficult. Over the many classes that we’ve had together and other random interactions, I can tell he just hates my guts and goes out of his way to attack me.

This is what King David wrote thousands of years ago:

“How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down–
This leaning wall, this tottered fence?
Surely they intend to topple me
From my lofty place;
They take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
But in their hearts they curse.”

Sure, King David probably had hundreds of soldiers charging at him with swords and such, but these words hit home today. The chapter ends with:

“You reward everyone according to what they have done.”

And to think I almost didn’t read that this morning.

Don’t worry. I still exist.

So, it’s been a long time. I kind of remain undecided what I think about blogging. I love to write things that don’t have to be in MLA format, and it is an effective way to vent and stay in touch with friends…

But then there’s always that weird experience of finding people who you didn’t know read your blog. I love getting feedback from friends, but future employers? Old family members who I’m surprised know how to use Google? (No offense…).

Anyway, just thought I’d post a quick update.

My first two years of college life were tough, but I have come to love it. It blows my mind to think that I’m almost done already.

Here are some lessons I have learned this year:

Relationships should be #1.
As an RA especially, I have to continually remind myself of this. I’m a busy guy, and it’s so tempting to just do my basic duties and get back to my to-do list. This lesson is difficult, and I’m still in progress of learning how to react.

It is possible to maintain long distance friendships.
My group of high school buddies was a very close-nit group. To be honest, I’m somewhat surprised to find that whenever we are all home for a break from school, it’s almost like we never left Wichita. I like this.

If you drink Mountain Dew continually for approximitely 20 years, you will eventually be immune to caffeine.
Last night I finished a Dew at 11:53, and I’m pretty sure I was asleep by 12:03.

If you are tired enough, you will sleep even if you don’t want to/have time to.

People are slow to compliment and very quick to criticize.
My three primary responsibilities this year are being an RA, editor of our school newspaper and praise band leader. All three are very sensitive and people are just waiting for you to make mistakes. And when you do, you will hear about it. Repeatedly. From several people. Most of them are old. As hard and frustrating as this has been to accept, it’s teaching me to compliment people who are succeeding. I think that’s important.

Priorities are important.
Managing time is difficult and I have to keep reminding myself of what is important. But this doesn’t just apply to relationships. I gave a presentation and turned in a major paper for a rather difficult course this week (300-level theology course….). After my presentation, my peers clapped and complimented me for putting together a solid presentation. My professor? Criticism for making a mistake on my bibliography. Apparently following Terabian style ranks higher than understanding the historical context of Acts 17. Cool.

This time of year is insane, but when I take a second to breathe, I realize how blessed I am. I’m pleased with where my life is heading.

Regardless of incorrect use of footnotes.

B2S

Back to school time intrigues me, for several reasons.

Of course, it gives major retail chains another opportunity to make kids think they need the latest Hannah Montana lunch box or Transformers trapper keeper, and kids the opportunity to complain to the old people who jokingly give them a hard time about how fast summer went and how they didn’t have enough time to hang out with friends before returning to the torturous classroom.

But it also provides a chance for a new beginning–a chance to decide who you want to be this year.

It’s kind of funny in my mind that I still think about this.  It seems like I should have my identity pretty much established by now.  I just turned 20 and am about to start my junior year of college, but I’m starting to realize that I still don’t have any idea who I want to be.

This summer, probably more than ever before, I’ve noticed how people perceive me.  I don’t try to be someone else around different groups of people anymore, but I’ve just started to notice how people act around me.  Especially around non-Christians, I occupy the role of the safe and boring guy.

Sometimes this is ok.  I’m predictable.  I won’t drink, party, dance, smoke, swear, stay out until 3, skip class, whatever.  I’ll never be the life-of-the-party type of guy.  I need to decide if I’m ok with being boring and safe the rest of my life.

This school year provides me with all sorts of leadership opportunities.  I’m an RA, Editor-in-Chief of the school newspaper and co-leader of a worship band.  In a way, I have the been-there-done-that attitude about leadership and responsibility, but seriously… what kind of leader do I want to be this time?  Will I be the tattle-tale RA that follows the rules no matter what and tells on every football player who is caught with a beer in his room, or will I be the guy who lets his stance be known but is still forgiving and understanding?  Will I be fun and lively, or a jerky hard a** (see above paragraph about swearing) about everything?

I had a humorous discovery the other day.  I think I’ve confused the iTunes store.

Music is a big part of my life and I think you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to.  As embarrasing as this is, here are my recent purchases:

“Time of my Life” – David Cook
“Time to Pretend” – MGMT
“Tonight” – Jonas Brothers (I know… Shut up.)
“Today is the Day” – Lincoln Brewster
“The Resolution” – Jack’s Mannquin
“A Clean Shot” – The Myriad

Other than the strange theme of songs beginning with the letter T, I almost represented a completely different music genre for each song I like right now.  Is that normal?  No wonder iTunes has a hard time recommending new personalized tunes.

For some reason, I feel a shift.  I think this is going to be a big year.

More and more of my friends are getting married and buying their own apartments.  I’m fairly independent and proud of it, but I still need to figure myself out.

I’m listening more to Jack’s Mannquinn and promised myself I will never buy another Jonas Brothers song.

For starters.